[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell