Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
accurate
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”