*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
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People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.