DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Sheep
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.