Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Basically.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked