Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Mouse
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”