Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
just got my engagement photos
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.