Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.