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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Finally, a door that understands me
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.