The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Yes
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.