Just parrot things
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Still my favourite meme.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The USS B port
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.