me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”