At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins