It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
☺️
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea