My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Look at this
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.