[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same