If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.