FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
moms in horror movies
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?