If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
how long have you had this for?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.