My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.