[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
They grow up so quick
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
the saddest jazz hands ever
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.