All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it