[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When I said I liked it rough.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America