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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.