I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.