My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee