There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
A roof is a house hat.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed