16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.