“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
#JohnTravolta
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.