You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
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Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here