Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute