[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”