random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
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It’s an epidemic…
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?