Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive