me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.