Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.