Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out