I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!