What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
These work great until they don’t.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”