I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”