My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Important reminders
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.