If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
what the
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
giddy up Office Depot
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies