“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
pat pat
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I hate everything
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.