I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
You Might Also Like
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*