I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Oh. My. God.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”