“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.