Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
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I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: Iâll remember this verification code and donât need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled âFog doesnât have a specific smellâ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that Iâm thankful for
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
This should not be this funny I am sorryđđđ
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Make your own ârestaurant styleâ salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
DATE: Iâm just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if Iâm looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I donât normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, âOh, why not?â Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled âItâs time for your daily beating!â at my 9yo and I was like, âOH, RIGHT.â
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there werenât any butterscotch candies inside.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep