You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
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My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors