If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The sacred texts.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.