Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: